You know how when something sort of awkward and embarrassing happens, and you're humiliated, then you mentally rewrite the embarrassing event as a touching, poignant moment in a charming movie of which you're the star?
Really? You don't?
Last night for instance. I attempted to make my big, Saturday night debut back in Moscow. I was hoping to see people who hadn't seen me for several weeks, and surprise them with how good I looked after my time in the big city. I made my shaggy hair extra large. I put on my legging-jeans, my jeggings, and my cool black boots.
Then, I ran into one individual who I actually, really want to see me looking good and acting normal. (If you know me at all, and especially if you spoke to me even one time in the months of May-June last year, you can guess to whom I refer, and you understand why "acting normal" is imperative).
I came around the corner, all ready to order a nice tall water, because after one hundred glasses of wine I always order a water (I'm responsible like that), and blammo! There he was, at the bar, ordering with his very pretty girlfriend.
Me (desperately cheerful): Oh hi! How are you?
Them (polite): Good, how are you?
Me (idiot!) : I'm good! How are you?
Them (confused. slowly.): Um. We're good.
Me (manic): Good. Good. (to the bartender): Can I please have a glass of water?
Do you see what I did? I totally blew it! I did the "how are you" twice. Like a schmuck. I did not seem cool or especially normal. It might not seem so bad to you, but it feels so bad to me. Because it is added to a mountain, a truly mountainous pile, of other embarrassing events with this person. Like the time I made a lame joke about cheese; or the time I physically ran away while he was talking to me; or that time I flipped him the bird.
So what I've elected to do is rewrite the whole (brief) event, so that it makes me seem all the more endearing and irresistible. I mean, just look at how hard you fall for Annie Hall in this monument to awkward social interactions:
World! I'm not going to let my repetitive, parroty way of greeting people (how are you? how are you? seriously, how are you? squack!), or my lame cheese jokes, or my tendency to flip people the bird, get me down, because I've got this pretty stellar movie going in my mind. And in my movie, I'm a hard to resist, vest wearing, lah-di-dah saying, Annie Hall.
Conveniently, I already have her entire outfit.
You know how the greeting "what's up" is ever so slightly ambiguous? Like, it could be "hi", "hello" or "howdy" but there's a slight chance someone is asking me to ruminate on the current state of my life? What? No one ever wants to hear a yarn about how I'm doing? Well, you're going to have to sneak away while I'm blathering. Yes, I know you didn't want to hear me go on, that's abundantly clear from your body language. Yes, I'm trying to salvage this as a normal human interaction because I don't want to be the guy who can't even properly fucking greet people.
ReplyDeleteDamnit, I AM that guy.
Also, if you're a girl, it's going to be way more awkward. What, you're an attractive girl? I'll just hang my head and sob in awkward shame.
I apologize blog.
I'd say, Alvy is the bigger schmuck for calling Annie Hall on all her awkwardness. Knowing you, you played it super cool!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: What's up? Do you have a blog? Because, as far as I'm concerned, a blog is like a person who asks you every day, "What's up?" and then has to listen--a blog can't walk away! Also, I totally feel you.
ReplyDeleteMegan: You're the best.