My Golden Globes Acceptance Speech

Interior: the Beverly Hilton. Kendall's name is announced. She has just won for best TV show, or best screenplay, or simply "most beautiful all around person, inside and out, who ever entered show business," the latter being a category made up just to honor her myriad contributions.

She covers her face with her hands, tastefully overcome with emotion. Her date, Matt Damon (appropriately, amicably divorced from Luciana Barrosa, they both realized they're better off as friends, no harm done), thinks she is brilliant and the admiration positively shines in his eyes as he watches her leave the table, then wind her way to the front of the room. Oops, she gets held up by Leonardo DiCaprio, who insists on hugging her, then steps on the train of her dress. She smiles demurely and swipes the dress free from his foot. She does not trip up the stairs. She collects her statue.

Pause, for dramatic effect. Maybe holding back a few tears. She smiles bravely.

"Wow. I don't know what to say. I am shocked. I have nothing prepared. (I do have something prepared.) I want to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press (or the Academy, whatever). I also want to thank my agent and manager, that PR bulldog, JLG. I also want to thank KW for watching and critiquing so much bad TV with me, and KP for reminding me that I don't have to watch TV all the time, because people need exercise and socialization. LA, thank you for giving up your cool job in NYC to come design beautiful sets for my TV show. CS and DB, thank you for feeding me. I would have starved without your belk burgers. I am so lucky to have friends who did not tell me I was crazy when I decided to do something totally crazy.

And to my dear family who have seen me through so much, thank you. You did not squash my neuroses out of me, but actually encouraged them in your own, supportive way. Without you, I'd have been too normal to amount to anything. (crowd laughs.) I love you. (I mean it.)

(this would be a big and important award, so even though the speech gets long, they would never dare to cut me off with orchestral music)

Finally, Matt. (camera scans to Matt Damon, catches the reflection from the tears in his eyes.) Ever since I was fourteen, and reading magazine articles about you on the bus ride home from Whitford Middle School, I've known that someday, someday, you'd fall madly in love with me. And I was right. I win! (victorious fist-pump) (crowd is amused) (Matt smiles his million-watt smile) (I leave the podium and exit the stage in the correct fashion, without Miss Golden Globe needing to cattle-herd me back to the press area where I continue to charm the pants off people).

Sounds good, right? I mean, I've still got a few years to hammer out the kinks.

Graciously yours,
Kendall