I'm stumped.

First, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you who couldn't focus on your work today, those of you who couldn't eat or drive well, because you were so overwhelmingly anxious to hear more about my whole soap-mouth scenario.

I've got double bad news. The taste hasn't gone away, and I haven't figured out why it's happening. Here's a list of potential explanations for this mildly (but increasingly) irritating affliction.

1. I've developed multiple personalities and, while Kendall is in a fugue state, a weird alternate personality (Clean Lizzy) takes over and gets to licking on bars of soap.

2. My body is protesting the amount of garbage it's been forced to deal with for oh, about a month: wine, potato chips, beer, chocolate, salty nuts, beer, wine, Mexican food, pretzels, pizza, chocolate, wine--and then it was lunchtime. I am being told, in no uncertain terms, to clean up my act.

3. God is protesting the swear words that I sprinkle throughout this blog, and absolutely abuse in actual conversations. He is telling me, in no uncertain terms, to clean up my act. (He's not going to win, though. Soap-mouth is easier to accept than a life devoid of profanity, and that's a platform I can stand on. Stand for. Stand with? Whatever.)

4. I'm being poisoned by sodium fluoride. What's weird is that this is actually the most reasonable explanation. Apparently, according to ehow.com, tap water can have unhealthy levels of sodium fluoride. Now, my water has always smelled like sulfur, and tasted like shit (sorry God), but it never made a soapy taste in my mouth. But, I also just came back from three weeks at home, so maybe my tolerance for sodium fluoride is low. Or the water--determined to kill me--has murderously upped the quantity of sodium fluoride. Regardless, we're off the tap water here at the spider house.

Addendum 1: If sodium fluoride sounds familiar to you, that's because it is in your toothpaste, and in water, and in fluoride (duh). And yes, it's a deadly poison, but only in high doses.

Addendum 2: Apparently, sodium fluoride poisoning causes not only soap-mouth, but also collapse, shock, numbness of mouth, dilated pupils, and pallor. So, friends, if I start presenting these symptoms, go ahead and get me to the ER, please. I'm talking to you, Moscovites, you're closest.

So, either I've got multiple personalities and one is a soap-eater; or I'm being punished by my body for being a garbage-gut; or by God for having a potty mouth; or tap water wants me dead.

On the bright side, I put flannel sheets on my bed today! So, if soap-mouth kills me in my sleep, I'll die very, very cozy.

Soapily, cozily yours,
Kendall